Thursday, March 29, 2012

Napkins to the rescue


I was sitting in my new local eating establishment yesterday called the Snapdragon, which also happens to serve my favorite beer (Georgetown Brewery's Lucille IPA for the record) when my attention was nabbed by a very large lady sitting in the corner who was  stuffing  inserting an equally large slice of Pizza into her mouth, pointy end first. Now most people would have stopped pushing when the sides of the pizza reached the limits of their open mouth, but not this lady. She doggedly kept on pushing until the whole thing disappeared, apart from globs of tomato sauce which re-emerged from the corners of  her mouth and had to be wiped away with a napkin (three actually. I counted.)

She had a perfectly serviceable knife and fork by her plate, but decided that force could get the food into her mouth more quickly, I presume. It was so full, she could hardly close it. While I was in mid gawp, she picked up another large slice, and before she had finished the first one, she started to shove the second one into an already full mouth. I was transfixed. It was like watching a Boa Constrictor eating a baby pig, only with more napkins and oozing tomato sauce.

I've come to the conclusion that it is almost impossible to eat food in the USA without smearing most of it across your face. In a recent article in one of Mrs Legend's magazines, they highlighted 6 burgers to "Give your summer a real sense of place". I assume the place they mention is a bed in the emergency ward at your local hospital, judging by the ingredients and the sheer size of these towering comestibles.
I swear they must have had someone behind the burgers holding the bloody things up. They look great in a photo, but try eating one of these monsters and you end up spilling half of the contents onto the table top (or worse, your shirt and trousers). The rest gets smeared over your cheeks.

I wish I had made investments in paper napkins, I'd be a wealthy man by now

18 comments:

  1. Love the image of the boa constrictor pizza lady! Here have great difficulty persuading Boy2 to use his knife and fork, we just saw some sea otters on TV and even they use a rock on their chests to bash the shellfish against...I voiced this to Boy2 - who just said "Well get me a rock".. Good work on the school trip bus exit plan !

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    1. I'd have a rock on his plate every meal. Knowing mu son, he'd use it just to spite me.

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  2. I think there's a special breed of humans with bigger "mouth-spans" and the ability to dis articulate their jaw bones at will. Me? I can't eat so much as a cookie without a napkin, and I prefer cloth (it sounds too demanding to specify linen). Sandwiches or pizza still require a plate, knife and fork.

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    1. I have a friend who comes round for dinner and cuts everything up in small pieces, then puts the knife down and shovels it up as if it were dog food. It breaks my heart. If he wasn't such a dear friend, I think I would shoot him

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  3. I have to say eating burgers in the states I got a lot around my face... xx

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    1. it's wonderful to see you back on these pages.
      I had an egg salad sandwich today for lunch. Or at least I had 50% of it. The rest went over me and floor!!!!

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  4. You're not talking about me, are ya, Wally! :) PS thanks for a delicious dinner last night! Tres bon!

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    1. wow, I guess you would not call her style of eating "mindful eating". How could she possibly have enjoyed that meal and how hideous she must feel in spite of a lack of pleasure. As for napkins, I could drape myself in them and still manage to spill food on clothing. And as for gargantuan burgers, welcome to America! Where huge reigns in all sorts of ways.

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  5. speaking as someone who seems to get covered in toothpaste spillage every morning....... the napkin is definately my friend, thank god they're everywhere in the states......portion control on the other hand is not!!

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    1. As Miss Piggy once said, "if you can lift it, eat it."

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  6. Oh, LOL! Are you serious? Did she truly shove the pizza in like that? It was a hilarious, vivid description!

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    1. I couldn't take my eyes off it. It's a good job she didn't lick her fingers as they might have gone down as well.

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  7. There is an actual name for that.There was a woman on This Morning recently who posts videos of herself on the internet stuffing food in her mouth for people to watch.It has an actual name but I cant find the clip!!

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    1. Plenty of material here to film. Maybe that can be my new career.

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  8. Wally it is SCARY the way that food is devoured. I eat incredibly quickly since Blair was born (trying to feed yourself and a baby requires the speed of light) and I do consciously try to slow things down so that I don't look like a greedy guts.

    @Northern Snippet - is that some sort of sexual fetish reason that she does that?

    Ali x

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    1. Hi Ali, Me too. With two older brothers and a finite supply on he plate, you had to be quick otherwise the vultures would descend.

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    2. I need to slow down because I think that's why I over-eat: I eat quicker than my 'stuffed' signals are sent out/received.

      Or maybe I'm just toooooo fond of cake!

      Ali x

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  9. ALi-Yes it was a fettish.Wish I could find the clip,there was a chocolate éclair featured.BTW I'm incredibly quick for the same reasons you outlined,imagine feeding twins and trying to cram the food in:(

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