Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Tax Man cometh
It is still a month and a half until my taxes are due to be completed and I'm already sweating. It was hard enough trying to understand the questions on the tax form when I was employed, but this year, I have part employment, part unemployment and a very small part of self employment. My brain is starting to throb already. For those of you who have never experienced this annual torture, here's a sample of some of the questions you have to answer.
If you are married and filing jointly, use form HD 24, but not form HD 24 ES. If you are married and not filing jointly, use form HD 24.6 and attach all records of purchases made in the last 5 years from your vacations to Mexico, together with a list of your next door neighbor's album collection, minus the Barry Manilow sections.
If you are single and not filing jointly, subtract the number of children you have from the total amount of your great grandfather's pension (forms are available in the vault at the National Archives) and add this amount to column 5 on form HD 34-256, but do not include any income he may have earned since his death.
If you are single and filing jointly, you might need some professional help.
Add the totals from column 6 in form 32 EF to the totals from form HD 34.6, but not the totals from column 8 in form HD 12 ( That goes to the totals from forms FP 31,2,3 and 8 inclusive) and multiply by the number of bowel movements you had last week.
Enter all data in blood using a carving knife.
Failure to disclose any information will render you liable to a fine of $50,000, or a week's worth of indenture to Donald Trump.
My hands are getting clammy just thinking about it. I'd better go calm down and find a sharp carving knife.