Monday, March 3, 2014
The day for the "Talk" is fast approaching.
I took our son to a community dance this weekend, along with his friend Sally (Not the real name) who lives next door. Legend Jr is almost 10 and Sally is almost 12, just about the right time for her to "Blossom."
I remember my old Jr School teacher, Mrs Wilson, telling us rag tag 10 year old boys that Maureen would not be changing with us anymore for Gym, as she had blossomed.
We had NO idea what she meant, but we assumed she had some nasty disease as she had to get changed in the janitor's closet, so we never did get to see what all the fuss was about. My only sex education was gleaned from the walls of the toilet block. For years I thought women got pregnant by having someone shove their finger in their ear. Obviously, the diagrams were not too accurate. One of the more enlightened boys tried to show me how it was done by thrusting his loins at a small hole in a tree trunk in our back garden. I still failed to see what sticking your spiget in a hole in a tree could possibly have to do with making babies.
I was a slow learner.
So, back to Jr and Sally.
These two have been palling around for the last two years since she moved next door. She has accompanied us on many trips and Island excursions, and to all intents and purposes was just one of the boys. However, when she came over to the house on Saturday dressed in skin tight leotard bottoms and a skimpy figure hugging shirt, I couldn't help notice that her boyish figure had vanished.
Legend Jr apparently, had not noticed any change, that is until we got to the dance.
After several energetic numbers had been played, and a lot of jumping around had been performed, Jr came up to me and whispered confidentially that Sally had "jiggly bits just like Mommy."
After I snorted out my red wine through my nose and all over the table, I quickly regained my composure to try and deliver his first sex education lesson.
I briefly explained to him that Sally was getting older and her body was developing in a way that would enable her to have babies some time in the future.
"What will happen to me when I am old enough," he asked in that tone of voice you know is going to come back at you and bite you in the arse.
I told him his voice would change and he would start to grow hair on his body, just like Daddy.
He asked if his Spiget would get any bigger, and I affirmed that it probably would, in time.
He thought about this for a while and then asked me if I was still waiting for that to happen.
He gets me every time. Just like a lamb to the slaughter.